15 September 2008


Pandora, at The Box
189 Chrystie Street
New York City

Pandora is a burlesque show straight from the bowels hell. It’s not “hot” in the “sexy” sense. It’s raunchy. Naughty. It attempts to be artistic. But it’s more like live amateur porn bordering on comedy.

I’ve described the truly bizarre events to friends and received a myriad of reactions, the most stunning being, “Next time you go, let me know. ___ and I want to see it.” This reaction came (separately) from two married women, which gave me an unwanted glimpse into their private bedroom lives. What also bewildered me was the “Next time,” phrase. After everything I told them, in a tone of disbelief and disdain, they thought I would go again???

From the spectators to the performers, Pandora’s a self-contained freak-show hidden on a less-traveled street of New York City. The club-goers are the wealthiest young people in the city, dropping $1500+drinks to sit in the sweatfest of a balcony. They are rich, they are wild, they have no boundaries, and they won’t think twice about disrobing in public.*

As for the people putting on the show, the talent’s the level of a high school Gifted and Talented Showcase. Maybe they’re a little more limber…and willing (or allowed) to show their naughty bits. That’s not to say there aren’t memorable performances. The image of a drag queen revealing his wing-wang and then her boobies is burned in my mind’s eye forever. Oh, yeah, and then him/her reaching between his/her legs to pull a brown-stained lower arm, presumably out of his/her poop-covered ass. That I won’t soon forget.

Then there’re the two leather-pant acrobats who did some Cirque du Soleil type spins and flips over the audience, then humped each other off stage like frogs. Felt tacked on.

Another acrobat flipped vertically in the air and ended upside down dangling by his feet. As if his act wasn’t exciting enough he pushed his pants to his knees and his peepee flung out.

The last act features the Porcelain Twins, who I don’t believe are actually related. The girls do look very much alike but they partake in things that family don’t do unless there’s some sick shit going on. The only way to describe this act is like this: first, the “Twins” undress each other and blow cigarette smoke on each other's naked bodies. There appears to be some (simulated?) oral sex. Then one girl spits on the other girl’s coochie. A dildo is pulled out of the girl who was spit on (I assume it was inserted at the point I turned away in astonishment). Then the spitter spits on her own self and puts the previously used dildo inside of her own cooch. Then she reaches over and picks up something that looks like a light bulb. She puts it in her mouth, then the other girl rolls over…and at that point, I figured I knew where the “light bulb” was going, so I called it a night. If the above description is a bit hard to follow, just know a lot of spitting and sticking objects into orifices happened.

So, am I really alone with my “never again” attitude? Are you as enticed to see Pandora as those two married ladies? I’m telling you, my descriptions are as “erotic” as the performances...I’ve painted the pictures accurately…it's like you've been there now...which, come to think of it, technically means you owe me $1500…plus drinks.

*"No boundaries" case in point: My “entourage” included a friend’s cousin's young, rich client (follow?). The client brought his girlfriend who appeared to be about 15 years old and she literally skipped down the block in a tennis skirt and flip flips, jumping up to touch the Walk signs on every corner. The client drank very much. He danced. Ignored his girlfriend. Rubbed my friend’s butt. Told me I had “tremendous breasts.” I told him to take off his shirt and wave it over the balcony. He did. I told him to take off his belt and taunt the crowd below with it. He obliged. I told him to take off his pants…and his jeans hit the floor.